What Do You Want to Be

Whitney (9:16pm, Friday 3/11/22)

I was driving to the hospital to be with Pepper this morning and I couldn’t help but feel like a weary traveler. Tired, used up, emotionally spent, and feelings of sadness as I left 3 children to be with the other. That’s hard for me. From the very beginning I just wanted to gather all my chicks like a mother hen and keep them safely under my wing and protect them all. Providing the unique nurturing abilities that have grown with me the last 12 years of being a mother. 

When I was little, still in grade school and the question would arise, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I always answered with a straightforward answer. A mom! I was once told that wasn’t a real answer and that I must pick something else. 

I always stuck with my original answer, a mom! 

Little did I know that it would be one of the hardest  most challenging roles I would ever willingly carry out. Exhaustion has taken on a whole new level I didn’t think possible. My worry odometer is out the roof. My heart feels used up. I’m being torn into 2 different directions, constantly. But when it all comes down to it, I wouldn’t change my answer. A resounding I want to be a mom! Is ever present pushing me forward. 

There is a level of re-assuring that never ceases. I say things over and over like it’s going to be ok, this won’t last forever, this is temporary. In hopes to console our sweet girl but it’s actually carrying me through. It’s an honor to sit near her day in and day out. She is filled with love and grace. I would sit here the rest of our days if need be. It’s as if I’m sitting amongst angels here. It is sacred ground here in the PICU. 

We can do hard things. The road seems so long and endless and I some days I feel like a weary traveler. But it’s all for Pepper. I will continue to be her biggest advocate and friend.